Do you ever talk to yourself? I bet you do. Research suggests that 96% of adults engage in internal dialogue. 25% do it out loud.

Many of us experience negative effects from self talk. We label it as imposter syndrome, self-doubt, or criticism. We assume it’s a problem to fix or a signal to suppress.

But what if your inner critic is actually your most loyal advisor in disguise?

What if the real skill isn’t silencing that voice - but learning to lead it?

In The Inner Game of Tennis (a brilliant book that you can apply to much more than just tennis), Tim Gallwey introduces two selves:

• Self 1: the conscious, analytical voice—the inner coach
• Self 2: the intuitive, capable doer—the one actually swinging the racket

Self 1 issues the commands. Self 2 carries them out. But when Self 1 takes over—criticising, over-instructing, second-guessing—performance breaks down. The tension gets in the way of natural ability.

Gallwey observed that athletes play best not when they’re thinking harder, but when they’re trusting themselves more. The key isn’t more control, it’s a better relationship between the two selves.

Imagine you’re hitting a shot, and it goes straight into the net. Your inner voice might say: “What a terrible shot, you’ll never win if you play like that,” or even “You idiot, you’ve always been bad at sports.”

If you had a coach who was saying those things to you, do you think it would make you a better player? I don’t - I think I’d sack that coach and hire a nicer one.

Leadership works the same way.

When the inner voice is harsh, you get rigid. Defensive. When it’s overly quiet, you risk missing the signals you need to adapt.

But when Self 1 and Self 2 are in dialogue - supportive, curious, honest - that’s when real leadership presence shows up.

The goal isn’t silence or perfection - it's partnership. Less scolding. More listening.

The trick isn’t to shut one down. It’s to improve the relationship between the two.

Your inner voice shapes your outer impact

Think about it: When was the last time you truly listened to what your inner voice had to say - without brushing it aside or letting it take over?

The constant internal monologue, the way you talk to yourself, profoundly influences how you show up as a leader. Negative self-talk erodes confidence, breeds insecurity, and manifests as hesitant communication and indecisive actions.

Conversely, a positive and encouraging inner voice fosters self-assurance, clarity of thought, and the ability to inspire trust and direction in your team. Cultivating a constructive inner dialogue is fundamental to projecting strong and effective leadership.

While criticism can be difficult to receive, it often contains valuable insights for growth. So instead of becoming defensive, approach critiques with curiosity. Try to understand the perspective of the “person” offering the feedback.

Even if the delivery is flawed, identify the underlying truth or area for improvement. Extracting these "kernels of wisdom" allows you to learn, adapt, and enhance your leadership capabilities.

Leader, know thyself

True leadership begins with a deep understanding of oneself. Knowing your strengths, weaknesses, values, biases, and emotional triggers is essential before you can effectively understand and lead others.

Without self-awareness, you risk projecting your own limitations and assumptions onto your team, hindering their potential and creating misunderstandings.

By cultivating self-reflection and seeking feedback, you develop the empathy and perspective necessary to build a cohesive and high-performing team.

Your personal conduct, work ethic, and approach to challenges serve as a powerful example for your team. If you demonstrate discipline, resilience, and a commitment to continuous improvement, your team is more likely to adopt these qualities.

Conversely, inconsistency, negativity, or a lack of accountability in your own behaviour will undermine your authority and create a negative work environment.

Leading with integrity and self-mastery establishes a foundation of trust and inspires your team to perform at their best.

Ron Carucci's approach: five steps

In his research with hundreds of senior leaders, HBR author Ron Carucci identified a clear pattern: the most self-aware leaders had mastered the art of inner dialogue.

Here’s how:

1. Accept your inner critic as a potential ally
   Resistance creates tension. Curiosity creates insight.
2. Trace its origin
   Where did that voice come from? A former boss? A parent? A perfectionist playbook from your early career?
3. Find the protective intent
   Most criticism hides a desire to help. Your inner voice may be harsh, but often it’s trying to protect you from risk, shame, or failure.
4. Open a dialogue
   Yes, actually talk to it. Ask: What are you trying to protect me from? What do you need me to know? It sounds strange - until it works.
5. Replace judgment with strategic insight
   Move from "You're not good enough" to "What would make you more prepared next time?"

This isn’t self-indulgent. It’s self-leadership.

The challenge: lead the voice inside first

If you want to be a more effective leader, don’t start with better frameworks, habits, or systems. Start with the voice inside your head.

Give it the same curiosity, clarity, and kindness you (hopefully) offer your team.

Because the way you speak to yourself is the way you lead. And every great leader starts by learning how to lead themselves.